Town Crier: Monkeys falling like rain.

The Town Crier is a weekly summary of Nicaraguan news stories that can be found online. My contribution is NOT journalism, as can be discerned from the conversational tone and dry humor of my English paraphrasing of the articles in Spanish. This list is by no means comprehensive. In fact I just picked the most relevant,  funny and ridiculous news stories of the week. For real news in English check out the For entertainment, stay right here. 


Town Crier


Here’s what’s been going on in this crazy town for the last week:


Top Stories

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

-It was dead. That used to be my favorite joke. Nobody is laughing now that monkeys really are falling out of the trees, and in droves. In a single ranch there have been over 80 dead monkeys counted along with 12 sloths. MARENA (the EPA of Nicaragua) maintains it’s from folks poking them with sticks and throwing rocks but not everybody is convinced. The big question is why are the deer going blind? I have no eyed deer. Any when they can’t walk? Still no eyed deer (my two new favorite jokes). 


Nicarock band nominated for a Grammy

La Cuneta Son Machin was nominated for a Latin Grammy in the category of Best Rock Album for their latest release, “Mondongo”. For those of you who don’t know, mondongo is the udder part of a cow that they boil up in soup. This is a goofy homage to mondongo stew:

So good luck La Cuneta Son Machin. Hope it means at least you get some radio play on the university station now and then.


375 couples tie the knots on Valentine’s Day

At the same time, in the same place. It all happened in Managua at the Luis Alfonzo park downtown. How romantic.


Cop drops down a storm sewer during a foot chase

A Managua police officer lost his footing while high tailing it after the bad guys and went tumbling into a 45′ deep storm sewer. He was later rescued and the bad guys, who were wanted for aggravated robbery, were grabbed by the Dantos vigilante group.


75 Nica fishermen detained by Colombia

Colombia detained five Nica fishing boats and 75 crew members for fishing illegally on Serrana island, a sad rock in the middle of the Nowhereyoushouldbbean. That is officially Colombia’s rock, though Nicaragua owns the waters around it. The fishermen claim they were holing up there during a storm and were trying rather unsuccessfully to catch fish so they wouldn’t starve. Now you see why Nicaragua isn’t a major seafood exporter.


Weed forests cut down in Bosawas reserve

The military says that 31,970 marijuana plants have been uprooted from the protected reserve of Bosawas, aka, the lungs of Central America. And that was just in 2015. In 2013 they found 78 thousand plants in just one bust.


Taxi protest in Granada fueled by pirate taxis

You may have noticed a brief pause in taxi and interurban transport services if you were in Granada last week. Seems the city taxi collectives were protesting the rise in illegal pirate taxis that have been stuffing passengers in like clowns in a volkswagen and stealing their business. At one point they slashed the tires of a pirate taxi before the machetes came out and started swinging. Thankfully nobody was hurt and things settled down.


Nica girl accused of swindling gringo to get house

A rather upset American man by the name of Kendall has taken the high road and is suing his Nica ex for duping him of $100k. Apparently she pulled the old “estoy embarazada y es tuyo” ploy, taking advantage of the nice guy’s niceness to buy her and her new baby a house in Managua. Kendall later found a facebook post by another guy claiming to be the father and promptly went down to get a DNA test. And guess what. Now Kendall’s phone is blowin up because Montel Williams won’t stop calling.


Transit police will now return your license to your door!

That’s right, while they will still take your license for a moving violation, the Nicaragua transit police will not require you to pay a visit to the local station to retrieve your license. After March 15 they say they will now deliver your license to your door within 48 hours of paying the fine. Does that work with foreigner’s licenses? Hmm… I guess we will find out. Unless you are one of those that carries a spare C$200 note to pay off the cop when he pulls you over. 


Watch taxi slam into passing motorcycle in Matagalpa

A taxi and a motorcycle getting into a wreck is as Nicaraguan as gallo and pinto.


An angry Masaya volcano vents in one family’s backyard

A family in a village called Burned Rock, situated just a toasted stone’s throw from the Masaya volcano, is living on the edge of disaster. They have a volcanic vent that has opened up in their backyard emitting sulfur smoke. Conveniently that is where they now burn their garbage without having to spend money on matches.


Plague of bugs invades Leon villages


The annual plague of beetles has swarmed over the village of La Ceiba as residents take cover and plug their ears. Residents claim the biting beetles always swarm after the peanut harvest and when they aren’t flying in your face they are crawling in your ears.


Handyman Buttoucher gets a good feeling on the bus

Watch out all you young, firm bottom ladies who might be traveling by bus from Granada to Managua. Mr. Gary Grabbinbottom gave a girl a hand up on the interlocal bus and police are trying to find him. Apparently the girl’s butt is made of metal and the man’s hand was made of magnets which, frankly, just attracted him to her. The girl informed the authorities and the man is on the run.


Man left paralyzed after falling into manhole on hunger strike to get benefits

A guy in the town of Dolores (which means “pains”) is seeking $50k from the municipal government for lifelong help with his medical bills now that he is paralyzed after falling into an uncovered manhole. The government was kind enough to give him C$4,000 but he says that doesn’t even cover his pills for the month. So now he has taken to the streets in a hunger strike seeking better compensation for what he says the city owes him. And to cover up that damn manhole.


Series of quakes rattles area around Masaya

Three earthquakes between 4.1 and 4.6 shook up the area around the Masaya volcano. The increased seismic activity is linked to the rise in lava in the crater of the volcano. Scientists say this renewed activity could last for years.


Tree falls in Ometepe

A tree fell over the interisland freeway due to the high winds that have buffeted the island lately. Nobody was injured and locals chopped it up into firewood in no time.


11-mo-old girl falls from chair, dies

A baby less than one year old took a tumble from a plastic chair and died in Masaya. She was rushed to the hospital after the fall provoked convulsions but she didn’t make it.


Man dies digging well

A 35-year-old man was konked on the head after part of the well he was digging caved in on him outside of Leon. He took the side job that was to pay him C$130 and wound up being put into another hole afterward, this one only six feet deep.


Dog attack kills toddler

A siberian husky went crazy and broke free from his chain to attack a 4-year-old toddler in Villa Japon, Tipitapa. The toddler sustained massive injuries and later died at the hospital. The boy was walking with his mother to buy tortillas when the attack occurred.


Panga driver gets 4 years in the clink

The captain of the panga that flipped over between the Corn Islands last month re

ceived the maximum penalty of four years in prison for manslaughter. It was a speedy trial that quickly found him guilty of negligence.


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