Town Crier news 18 – 24 October, 2015

The Town Crier is a weekly summary of Nicaraguan news stories that can be found online. My contribution is NOT journalism, as can be discerned from the conversational tone and dry humor of my English paraphrasing of the articles in Spanish. This list is by no means comprehensive. In fact I just picked the most relevant,  funny and ridiculous news stories of the week. For real news in English check out the For entertainment, stay right here. 


Town Crier


Here’s what’s been going on in this crazy town for the last week:


Taxi crashes into Tree of Life, driver dies

The unfortunate driver had a blowout while flying down carretera norte in Managua Saturday night and smashed his car straight into one of those giant, yellow Dr. Seuss trees that the first lady refers to as the Tree of Life. There are so many jokes inside of me just busting to get out but I will keep it respectful. For those of you less so, please leave any and all jokes in the comments and I will read them asap.


Nica navy nabs 14 sacks of coke in the Pacific

A coupla four guys from South America were busted running drugs just outside the Padre Ramos area of Nicaragua. None of them Nicas. All of them in big trouble.


New ferry service to connect El Salvador, Costa Rica, completely bypassing Nicaragua

As anyone who has tried to cross the Nica border knows, it’s a long, hot mess. But if you think it’s bad on foot you should try it in an 18-wheeler. This new ferry service, starting in January, will reduce time between the two countries from up to five days down to 16 hours. And costs will plummet from $1,500/truck to $700/truck. Phase 2 will offer the service to tourists.


Who is Laura Dogu? Why, the new US ambassador to Nicaragua!

She cut her teeth working in Turkey and Mexico and now has the easy job as ambassador in Nicaragua. And she co-wrote a book on personal finance. Laura, let me show you where to get good nacatamales in Managua one Saturday. You tell me when.


Shipping container disappears leaving Nicas without their Spanish ham

A shipping container filled with clothes, wines, oil and other goodies and sent from Zaragoza, Spain by a Nica guy named Darwin has mysteriously disappeared, as has Darwin.


7 fishermen rescued off the Northern Caribbean coast

The Nica navy went to the rescue of  fishing boat that started taking on water after battling high winds off the coast of the RAAN. Seven fishermen lived to be rescued another day. 


You should help build a school in Nicaragua

For the price of a regular vacation you can impact the lives of hundreds of Nica children by spending a week building a school with Seeds of Learning. Only a few spaces still available for 2016. Don’t let your lazy kid waste another summer doing nothing. Contact Seeds of Learning today before slots fill up!
Seeds of Learning work group infomation


Drunk guy falls into a 2-meter-deep hole in Managua street

The incident happened at a construction site and his drinking buddies yelled for help until the medics arrived.


Heavy rains blamed for tree falling on tortilla kitchen

The tree fell on the house caving in the bedroom of the 11-year-old girl inhabitant of Masaya. She survived and went right back to making tortillas.


Clown accused of raping a minor

An 18-year-old guy working as a clown with the Gigantes de America circus is being accused of raping a girl of 13 years not once but twice while his act was in town. He allegedly contacted the girl through facebook and met her the first time at her house, the second time at the circus.


Truck flips, spills 40,000 lbs of sugar in Kukamonga


Where? Kukamonga is a stretch of highway just north of Esteli where this 18-wheeler flipped over. Sugar spilled everywhere and local neighbors were out to help with the cleanup efforts by taking as much as they could carry back home.


Barrio inhabitants destroy speedbumps on their street

A couple of pissed off Managua residents fed up with scraping their cars on the speedbumps in their neighborhood took matters into their own hands by destroying them once and for all. As it turns out, the speedbumps weren’t even installed by the city. They were placed there by another neighbor who had also taken matters into his own hands after getting tired of cars flying down the road.

Fun fact: In Nicaragua speedbumps are known as policia acostadas, or “laying down policemen”.


Host of local “make fun of people” reality show beaten up, equipment destroyed

The charismatic host of the show Camara Matizona, or Taunting Camera, was attacked in Managua by two subjects who obviously didn’t think their style of televised humor is very funny. The assailants roughed up the host and destroyed a $5,000 video camera and a $300 microphone while the cameraman hid and the host’s assistant took off running. Now THAT’S funny!
PS. the above video does not show it. It’s just the latest episode, that’s all.


Mototaxi smacked by two cops on motorcycle

According to the driver of the mototaxi, the police officers didn’t have their documents nor put on their blinker when they made a turn, hitting the taxi. The cops were sent to a special assistance center and the passenger of the mototaxi was taken to the pet hospital in Managua.


Bike thief caught, tied to post in Managua


Local residents were tired of going to the cops and getting no results so they caught the kid themselves, tied him to a lamppost and fed him a plate of steamed barrio justice.


Girl squashed by truck driven by driving school student

A 34-year-old woman originally from Jordan hit a 6-year-old girl in the driving school vehicle she was operating in Chinandega. The girl’s grandparents took her to the hospital and the driving student and her instructor left the scene.


New airport inaugurated to serve “Emerald Coast”

Next month service will start from Managua and Costa Rica to ferry tourists to Nicaragua’s most upscale attraction, the Emerald Coast. That’s really just a fancy name made up by the marketing department of the 5-star Mukul Resort which is located in the middle of it all. Locals know the area as Tola. Regardless, everyone is hoping that this will do the same thing for the area that the airport in Guanacaste did for Costa Rica, which was to turn it into a mecca for thieves and prostitutes tourism and services. Tickets from Managua will cost $155, from Liberia CR, $208.


Authorities confiscate container filled with TNT from…nobody

Police were called out to respond to a container filled with boxes of dynamite in an abandoned lot outside of Masaya. Nobody seems to know how it got there so the cops took it in for questioning.


Thief was just trying to find a girlfriend

The police arrested a local drunkard in Boaco after he attempted to rob the liquor store when the clerk was looking the other way. When questioned, the obviously inebriated fellow said he was just looking for a girlfriend when the cops grabbed him and he didn’t know why.


Thieves put guard to sleep, take off with a

million  cords

The guard was found in a drug-induced sleep the morning after thieves rob0bed the local DGI tax office in Chinandega, taking off with over a million cordobas  ($36,363 in US dollars).


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