Town Crier News 27 September – 3 October 2015

The Town Crier is a weekly summary of Nicaraguan news stories that can be found online. My contribution is NOT journalism, as can be discerned from the conversational tone and dry humor of my English paraphrasing of the articles in Spanish. This list is by no means comprehensive. In fact I just picked the most relevant,  funny and ridiculous news stories of the week. For real news in English check out the For entertainment, stay right here. 


Town Crier


Here’s what’s been going on in this crazy town for the last week:

Prisoner freed after being raped in Tipitapa prison

So this 22-year-old kid doing time for something that probably wasn’t rape was violated on three occasions by other prisoners. To be expected? Well, the other prisoners inserted cell phones, homemade cell phone chargers and packets of drugs into his anal cavity. The powers that be then decided he deserved penal annulment. Which, uh, really means that he was freed from jail.


Nicaraguan dies after chopping hand in lawnmower

So this Nicaraguan landscaper working in Costa Rica died after cutting a limb. Seems that after he tripped and fell into his lawnmower he really needed a hand. Unfortunately help didn’t come in time and he bled to death. Follow the link below for the wrist of the story:


Thief gets tied to post, whipped and shaved in Managua

So this druggie got busted reaching into a local store (pulperia) window to grab a fiver and run. What he wasn’t counting on was the neighbors catching him and unleashing barrio justice.

They tied him to a post and took turns whipping him with a belt. One old man even got in on the action by smacking him with his crutch. For the grand finale, they gave him a reverse mohawk. The police later hauled him off to the clink.

thief tied to post in managua


mohawked theif taken to jail in managua


Old American guy disappears after he and his young girlfriend were busted for pot

So this 73-year-old guy mysteriously disappeared after getting arrested for 57 grams of those funny smelling cigarettes your rasta neighbor smokes in the evening. The old man’s girlfriend, who was with him at the time, had just enough time to put away her coloring book before getting arrested along with him. When it came time for his trial, everybody showed up but him and the police were left scratching their heads. No doubt it came to no surprise to his girlfriend who was probably used to seeing him disappear in a cloud of smoke.


YATAMA party leader, Brooklyn Rivera, booted out of the Parliament

So ol Brooklyn Rivera, ex contra leader turned political leader, was kicked out of the Parliament (kind of the Nica house of representatives) for selling parcels of communal indigenous land to mestizo colonists invading from the west. Supposedly he and his cohorts earned a cool $4m from the illegal sale of over 12,500 manzanas of land.


Bill changer gets robbed. Yes, it happens.

So this guy named Bill Changer Agustin Espinoza (They just call him Agustin) was stopped by a car carrying three policeman and an antinarcotic agent at 7am in Esteli. Or at least, that’s what the thieves were dressed as. Agustin changes dollars to cordobas and like all bill changers waves his giant stack of cash at people to let them know his services are available. The fake cops told him they were busting him for money laundering and loaded him in his own truck, blindfolded and with empty pockets. They left him in the middle of nowhere and about $136,400 lighter.

I know you always wondered. Well now you know that yes, those guys do get robbed.


Teacher man arrested for raping way underage student boy.

So this 50-year-old music teacher at a Jesuit school in Managua was arrested for giving way-too-personal flute lessons to a boy in elementary school. According to the article I read, he’s guilty as sin.

rapist teacher teaching skinflute

I mean, isn’t it obvious?


Cops find a forest of pot in the RAAN

So the army and the fuzz found a jungle of marijuana somewhere around Siuna. They discovered 500+ plants growing all innocently with five armed subjects who just happened to be also hanging around, innocently.

The police still haven’t decided what to do about the forest of pot trees, though it is likely that some are considering just burning the whole farm down once and for all and then making a run to Waffle House.

pot burning in mexico

Ha ha. Actually that photo is of the Mexican officials. Still funny.


Apocalyptic religious cult moves into Chinandega

So this “pastor” from Honduras has been gathering a following from all over Central America and they have decided to plop down in Nicaragua to wait for the apocalypse. There are about 600 of them camped out in god’s chosen place, which happens to be  between Chinandega and El Viejo. They might be surprised when summer comes and they realize their little patch of heaven is actually hot as hell.


Public pisser pisses off people parked in public

So this guy was urinating on a wall in Huembes market in Managua when a group of youngsters began to yell at him from a truck to pack his pecker in his pants and not be such a pig. The public urinater scoffed at the boys and continued to answer the call of nature when the three of them jumped out of the truck and beat him up and robbed him of C$600, a cell phone and all his other belongings. He has since filed a complaint with the police who I am sure are right on top of the case.


Claro announces they have upgraded their cell internet connectivity to LTE 4G

So this cell phone company invested millions of dollars in cell tower upgrades to LTE 4G capacity. Claro now claims to have the fastest cell internet service in the country. What does that mean? Less wait to watch those cat videos and stream your favorite reggeaton music, more time waiting in line dealing with customer service issues.


Murillo talking about 8 more overpasses in Managua

So this first lady was so impressed by the ease of traffic flow now that the Rubenia overpass is finished that she and the Managua mayor are talking about eight more in the next seven years. A few of the suggested areas for overpasses would be the roundabout at Metrocentro, La Robelo and Siete Sur.


7 of 9 jail escapees captured in Rivas

So these cons snuck up into the roof of their jail cell in Rivas, snapped off the bars of an air vent to the outside and poured out of the hole like crazy ants. The police went into holyshit! mode and captured a few of them relatively close to the jail. Two others are still on the lam.


One death when plane flying for the HKND canal project crashes in Rivas

So this young Canadian guy bought the farm when his plane crashed into a farm outside of Rivas. The plane was doing something canal related and dropped like a rock and burst into flames just before noon on Friday.


Street sellers protest because Managua’s new “smart” traffic lights work too well

So these folks who sell fruit, wiper blades and cashews in some of the intersections in Managua are rather upset because the newly installed “smart” traffic lights regulate traffic a little too well. “…now the streets stay empty and we don’t sell hardly anything,&#

8221; said Isidora Lopez. Essentially they want to slow down traffic so they can spend more time cleaning windshields and juggling for your entertainment.


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