Town Crier Nica News 15 – 21 Nov, 2015

The Town Crier is a weekly summary of Nicaraguan news stories that can be found online. My contribution is NOT journalism, as can be discerned from the conversational tone and dry humor of my English paraphrasing of the articles in Spanish. This list is by no means comprehensive. In fact I just picked the most relevant,  funny and ridiculous news stories of the week. For real news in English check out the For entertainment, stay right here. 


Town Crier


Here’s what’s been going on in this crazy town for the last week:

Kid plays with matches, gets burned

Well, he wasn’t burned, but the little pyro did manage to torch the bed and two baskets of dirty clothes in the corner of the room. The family was able to put it out fairly quickly and the fire department came out to congratulate them on a job well done.


Guy jumps up on 1-story roof, threatens suicide

crazy suicidal man on roof in managuaA man who felt rejected by people he had asked for help from decided to get serious in his request by jumping on top of a roof at the Huembes market in Managua and threatening to kill himself. Not by jumping, but by stabbing. The cops eventually coerced the man from the roof and into the police department.


Gas voucher scam nets C$1million, jail for perpetrators

It went like this: Guy 1 deposits in his bank a check for hundreds of thousands of cordobas from another bank. He then gives the deposit voucher to Guy 2 who uses a false ID claiming himself to be a Rural Development Institute representative and exchanges the deposit voucher for gas/diesel vouchers at the General Office of Contracts (translation help please?), who give him thousands of fuel vouchers. The story doesn’t go on to say how the illegally gotten gains were used, but my guess is that they just burned through it.


Exotic animal exports are on the rise

Was it that tarantula you bought at Petsmart that made you decide to visit Nicaragua? Because this might where it came from. Last year this area legally exported 92,000 animals including red-eye frogs (usually sent on the overnight plane), land turtles, and arrow frogs. And of course, big fucking scary spiders. Sales are up 126% over this time last year.


Nike opens a factory store in Managua

Located on Jean Paul Genie road (Galleria), the new Nike Factory Store is the newest place to buy new shoes, and perhaps the only place to buy Nikes that for sure aren’t Chinese knockoffs.


Real trees cut up to make room for metal tree

cutting down real trees to make room for metal trees

What are you crying about? The new tree is more green than the old tree!


Nicaragua to get a second satellite. Wait, they already have one?

Not exactly. They already have plans to send one into orbit in 2016. That has been delayed and now they are talking about a second one for 2017, launched by Gran Muralla China (Great Wall China). The gob says that having their own satellites in orbit will help with communications, education, science, technology, environment, stray dog tracking, gallo pinto cooking and gold teeth cleaning. Which means to say that the $346m is money well spent.


40% off Guide to Nica Residency, this week only

Residency guide cover plus edition

The popular NCX Guide to Residency in Nicaragua is running a 40% off sale today through the end of the week. This Thanksgiving week sale is your only opportunity to pick up the guidebook, document translations, example letters, interviews and all the other goodies for the best price of the year.


Leon: Love nest burned by jealousy

That’s the actual headline from the news story. Seems Mr. Marvin, 35, was jealous of his boyfriend Mr. Hector and torched the house they shared, reducing the stick and plastic tarp house to ashes and plastic blob mess. The value of the house and belongings was estimated to be about C$10k or $350. 


PLI party deputies face the judge for attempted murder, robbery

If you are into Nica politics you should read the article because there is more going on than I am going to get into here. Basically some of the high-level members of the PLI opposition party were arrested for attempted murder of one of their own members, who is also accused of being part of a masked group that robbed cameras, watches and money from journalists who were covering the weekly “Wednesday protests” that happen at the Metrocentro roundabout. Of course the PLI says it is all part of a kangaroo court trying to shut down the PLI-sponsored protests. Why would anyone care about telenovelas when you have the real thing right here?


“Queen of coke” busted for moving pot

It was an earlier drug bust that lead cops to arrest the “Queen of coke” in Managua this week. She was in possession of more than 126,000 grams (1,260 decigrams (126 kilograms (278lbs))) of marijuana. The local police chief insisted that she is known as the queen of coke even though it was pot she was hustling.


They admit they consume “weed that makes you laugh”

nicaraguan models show off their goodsThat too is the actual headline. These two handsome gentlemen were busted out in the middle of nowhere for carrying baggies of green stuff. It later tested positive for marijuana. Normally I wouldn’t bother including another pot bust but the article couple with these two models posing with their goods is what made me laugh. No marijuana needed.


Man zapped by high-tension wires

A dayworker was up on an antenna in Managua when it gave way and fell into powerlines. The man was burned over 56% of his body by the shock and fell 4 meters onto the roof of the Bioquin building. But he survived!


Two security guards in jail for robbing their place of work

A coupla numbskull security guards decided to fake a break-in at their cola distributor place of work and, of course, got busted for it. They made a feeble attempt to cover their tracks but used local tools to break into the building and pop open the cash register before making off with C$643k. Most of it was recovered at the home of one of the guards, along with tools used in the crime.


Climate change blamed for turtle nest numbers dropping by half

Only 20,000 sea turtle nests have been counted in the Chacocente refuge this season, a massive drop from 48,000 last year. The dramatic drop is blamed on the drought that Nicaragua has been suffering from. According to MARENA (the EPA of Nicaragua), the lack of rain allows for the sand temperatures to rise, essentially cooking the eggs. YUM! …in a poor, poor turtle kind of way.


WARNING: Zika is coming!

That’s the message from the first lady, Rosario Murillo. It’s not a new fruity vodka drink. Zika is a mosquito-borne disease that has similar symptoms to dengue and chikungunya but less aggressive. It’

s in Colombia and on the move, so make sure to only leave the house during emergencies and always wear your mosquito net indoors and out.


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