Town Crier Nica News to Kick the Blues

The Town Crier is a weekly summary of Nicaraguan news stories that can be found online. My contribution is NOT journalism, as can be discerned from the conversational tone and dry humor of my English paraphrasing of the articles in Spanish. This list is by no means comprehensive. In fact I just picked the most relevant,  funny and ridiculous news stories of the week. For real news in English check out the For entertainment, stay right here. 


Town Crier


Holy smokes what a week! Here’s what’s been going on in this crazy town:


Thieves rob church, wash hands in holy water on way out

A couple of pretty desperate thieves thought the easy money was waiting for them at the San Juan Bosco church in Managua. They made their way inside with the assistance of a devilishly sharp hatchet with one injuring himself in the process. The thieves got away with a small safe and on their way out  washed their hands in the fountain of holy water. Nice try boys, don’t think God is gonna forgive you that easy.


Vaulted ceiling in cathedral collapses, 11 workers injured

Workers repairing the vaulted roof of the Candelaria cathedral in Diriomo got quite a scare when the heavens above came crashing down around them. The church was under repair when the ceiling dropped, injuring 11 with one seriously hurt worker. They were not washed in holy water afterward, but rather taken to the hospital to treat their injuries.


Nicaraguan pastor predicts snow in Nicaragua, end of world


snow above mountains esteli.preview

When the snow comes, “Nicaraguan bodies will go into shock. How to prepare for this? Beg forgiveness for your sins,” says Nicaraguan pastor Juan Carlos Berrios. He is a pastor with the group “Jesus Solo” based out of the US. The pastor has several other fun prophecies such as earthquakes, war and the deaths of famous people. Wait…in the last ten years all of his prophecies have come true (well, except for the snow in Nicaragua, but 3 out of 4 ain’t bad)!


Mystic Body of Jesus Christ cult accused of human trafficking

The leaders of everybody’s favorite Nica cult the Mystic Body of Jesus Christ have been hauled in front of the judge and are being accused of human trafficking for hosting 20 people from Honduras and four from Guatemala as part of their cult gathering outside of Chinandega. They face up to 8 years in the clink because the illegals crossed illegally.


They are finally fixing the clock on the Jinotega cathedral

And they had to bring in the Germans to get it right. In fact, it is the same German, Franz Dreher, who helped his father install the clock in 1960. Wow.



Forest fires in 2015 scorched “only” 5,907 hectares

Yes, Nicaragua suffers from forest fires just like you and me. Last year they registered 159 fires that burned a total of 5,907 hectares. Sounds like a lot? That’s down from 2014 when 339 fires torched 16,825 hectares.


90% of the country to be electrified by end of year

That’s right, thanks to the far-reaching work of ENATREL, they predice that 90% of Nicaragua will be lit up by the end of 2016. That will leave only the furthest reaches of the north and south autonomous regions left burning candles.


Over $17 billion in debt waived over the last 25 years

Nicaragua is poor, but imagine if it were $17,252,200,000.01 poorer. That’s about how much international debt has been absolved in the last quarter century according to Nicaraguan Central Bank.


$129k of narcomoney confiscated

The military busted three narco guys way out in sticks down by the border in Rivas with $129,000 of drug money. They also had several pistols. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.


New Nicaragua retiree guide available

For anyone looking to move down to the land of lakes and volcanoes and are looking for a good place to start, why not start with a guide book that covers just about everything you might want to know?


Blood and Guts

Dengue death caused by unnecessary surgery

A woman from El Castillo went to her private doctor with symptoms of dengue which, curiously, included abdominal pain. The doctor sent her into surgery and the patient didn’t wake up. The surgery wasn’t needed. First lady Rosario Murillo was pissed.


Cow causes 4-car pileup, 1 death

A stray vaca on the Leon highway was hit by a passing truck which crossed the lane and hit an interlocal bus full of people which swerved and hit a Toyota Land Cruiser which in turn smacked a motorcycle. The unlucky person wasn’t the motorcyclist or the Toyota driver or any driver really, but a passenger in the interlocal bus.…/vaca-ocasiona-accidente-multiple-d…/


Father and son suffer severe burns after falling in boiling mud pit

Ever heard of the San Jacinto boiling mud pits in the Telica region in Northern Nicaragua? It’s kind of like a poor man’s Yellowstone but without the geysers. It’s a popular tourist attraction that lets people walk around boiling mud pits which was exactly what a family from Chinandega were doing when the son slipped and fell in. Dad jumped in after him to pull him out. They both suffered 3rd degree burns and were taken to the hospital.


Back door opens on bus, sleeping guy tumbles out

A bus roaring down the highway left someone behind when the back door suddenly opened up and the guy leaning against it flew right out. The guy suffered some serious bumps on the head and body, lost some teeth and went to the hospital unconscious, but lived.


Search continues for Elvis and woman missing from beach

An 11 year-old boy named Elvis and a 30-year old woman named Maritza who disappeared from Playa San Diego earlier still have not been found. The airforce has been called to help with the search.


Girl, 6, saved from house fire

The little girl was playing with matches trying to light a shoe on fire in the house in Matiguas, Matagalpa when the house caught fire instead. A neighbor succeeded in saving the little girl from the blaze.


Pizza delivery motorcyclist shot in the back in attempted robbery

A pizza delivery man got a helluva tip when he was shot off his motorcycle fleeing an attempted robbery in Managua. He slowed down to run a stop sign when the assailant stepped out of the shadows calling for him to stop. The pizza man accelerated which provoked the shooting.


Back of truck flies off, dozens injured, 2 kids dead

top pops off truck, everybody hurt


A cargo truck carrying dozens of people hit a massive pothole while flying down the road at high speed outside of Puerto Cabezas when the entire bed of the truck broke away and flipped over. A 2 year-old and a 4 year-old were killed and 44 injured in the tragic accident.


Illegal bomb factory explodes

An illegal factory for making bombs for fishing (which is an illegal way to fish as well) that was located outside of

Posoltega disappeared in four explosions. The place had had several complaints against it by concerned neighbors but continued to build bombs. Several of the neighbors were hospitalized for stress.


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